what am I thinking

IT is 1:30am and i and i am sitting around moping...why? who the hell knows. I am moping because a 21 year old male dumped me...he is one of my best friends...and will remain that...why am i sad about That? he has every right to want to find out who he is. why am i sad that My son's father is dating someone who he brings around my son, i don't know if she is good or bad which does bother me but...why do i get so angry and bitter about this? he has the right to find someone that makes him happy. it is true, i feel so alone in this world sometimes that i just want to scream. I allow my anger to get in my way if someone else has what i want...how childish can i be? it is true that the last four years has not been easy, but why do i continue to live in them? I go from being happy to sad at one little trigger. i try to find new things about my self. I know who i want to be, so why do i not give my energy towards those goals? being in a relationship is not everything, so why do i put everything into trying to find one. I have so many great relationships with so many great people, why do i not concentrate on that? I have a beautiful son who looks at me and I just melt, why am i not living for him 100%? What Am I thinking?!?! why can't i be happy for others? why do i let others determine my worth? why can't i accept that no one has a perfect life? why do i not see the whole beauty in me? why do i seek for attention? I love with all my heart, I am loyal to those who are loyal to me, I am honest, but i do have a dark side, if i feel pushed or threatened the claws come out, i want to tear you down with me...that is not what a good christian woman should do...it's time to spend the summer , my life...for me and my son, find out what is going on in my own mind. enjoy the moments that i have and stop wasting my breaths on the ones that i don't. let the journey begin.