what am I thinking #2

I was thinking to my self lately why am i so attention seeking? Why am i not pleased with anything I have, when i have so much. ever since I was a little girl i have always dreamed of the fairytale lifestyle and I have not yet seen it at my age of 28. I have been married and divorced, my babies father left me, and i sit here feeling sorry formyself. I think so little of myself. WHAT AM I THINKING?!?! I have the best friends in the world, but i complain because they are not physicaly with me. I have the most wonderful son a woman could ask for. I have the craziest most wonderful family. I have a job that I adore. yet i constantly look at me being single as a sin or something. Everyone thinks i am in love with my sons father, but I am not. I do love him for giving me my son, I just don't want him to replace me as Kaleb's mother. the truth is, I am so in love with my 21yr old friend, but he is finding himself and he deserves too. everytime i look at him, or hear his laugh, or seeing one of his 5 smiles, one for politeness, one for when he is really excited, one for when he thinks he is being witty, one of nervousness, and one when he is turned on lol, i am sure he has more but i have not yet discovered them yet. when he looks at me with his baby blue eyes I go crazy inside. WHAT AM I THINKING?!?! he is 21...but i love him and can't tell him. well thats all for now.

what am I thinking

IT is 1:30am and i and i am sitting around moping...why? who the hell knows. I am moping because a 21 year old male dumped me...he is one of my best friends...and will remain that...why am i sad about That? he has every right to want to find out who he is. why am i sad that My son's father is dating someone who he brings around my son, i don't know if she is good or bad which does bother me but...why do i get so angry and bitter about this? he has the right to find someone that makes him happy. it is true, i feel so alone in this world sometimes that i just want to scream. I allow my anger to get in my way if someone else has what i want...how childish can i be? it is true that the last four years has not been easy, but why do i continue to live in them? I go from being happy to sad at one little trigger. i try to find new things about my self. I know who i want to be, so why do i not give my energy towards those goals? being in a relationship is not everything, so why do i put everything into trying to find one. I have so many great relationships with so many great people, why do i not concentrate on that? I have a beautiful son who looks at me and I just melt, why am i not living for him 100%? What Am I thinking?!?! why can't i be happy for others? why do i let others determine my worth? why can't i accept that no one has a perfect life? why do i not see the whole beauty in me? why do i seek for attention? I love with all my heart, I am loyal to those who are loyal to me, I am honest, but i do have a dark side, if i feel pushed or threatened the claws come out, i want to tear you down with me...that is not what a good christian woman should do...it's time to spend the summer , my life...for me and my son, find out what is going on in my own mind. enjoy the moments that i have and stop wasting my breaths on the ones that i don't. let the journey begin.